Akuma ate President Shin-Ra
by English-illiterate
Summary: Ignore the title. This is what happens when fangirls get bored. They fangirl. Run for cover! Real Summary: DGM and FFVII collide. Like Bakugan. No, really. Typical cliche story where innocence transports the DGM characters into the world of Final Fantasy VII. Not your typical dimension hopping though. Get ready for nonsense and chaos. And let slip the dogs of war! XD Crack Fic
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Merry Christmas! XD Sorry, I was kinda busy. On vacation. I have come to the conclusion that I prefer to stay at home during the holidays and sleep. Because I'm so lazy. I will definitely continue SL as soon as I can... Hopefully by Christmas day... I hope...**

etErnal: excuses.

EI: *cries* I know...

etErnal: =_= you're supposed to disagree...

EI: Really? No I'm not... Wanna just start the story so we can start that crack-fic you wanted?

etErnal: Kayzzz. Wait. WHAT about 'Sephy's mom'?

EI: L33t Str33t boys. XD

etErnal: *grabs a knife and stalks off to kill the idiots*

EI: ... I don't know this person... T.T

etErnal: oh so you agree with these people that I'm a monster? Fine. *stabs more random people and goes to sit in emo corner to poke mushrooms*

EI: ... I never said that. I just find this situation... awkward... Let's just start this crack-fic.

Chapter 1:

Kanda sliced through another Akuma, steel blade of his katana flashing. "Move it, moyashi!"

"It's Allen!" The white haired exorcist snapped back, dodging another Akuma, dashing to where the innocence lay encased in the frozen river water. He cursed as a Level Three cut off his path and shot it in the head, but it dodged and sent a barrage of icicles at him. A fire snake swallowed the lethal frozen spikes, melting them into puddles, before veering towards the Akuma and encased it.

"Go Allen!" Allen waved his thanks at Lavi who swung his Innocence-hammer and sped on to the Innocence, ignoring the exploding Akuma behind him. He slowed as he entered the glowing area surrounding the Innocence shard, squinting against the puddling green glow, teeth chattering from the Innocence-produced temperature. This particular one turned its surroundings into blizzard conditions. He morphed his Innocence into a gigantic broadsword, staggering slightly under its sheer weight. He slammed it sharp point-first into the ice. It cracked but otherwise remained unchanged.

"Kuso!" He heard curses behind him, and the explosions of Akuma.

"They just keep coming!"

"Hurry up, moyashi!"

Allen grit his teeth and forcing his freezing arms not to tremble, gripped the hilt of his Innocence-sword and forced it into the ice in one swift blow. He smiled, then gasped when he bent down to pick up the Innocence shard. He'd broken it. Immediately, the snow sprung up, everywhere, wind howling as it whipped around, encasing the three Exorcists. There were shocked yells and curses, before a sharp green light blinded the forest they were in. Then everything stopped. Birds started chirping again, flowers bloomed, and animals started to appear back in the clearing. The empty clearing.

The Exorcists were gone.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the VR training room, Sephiroth and Genesis were engaged in an epic battle. Again. Slices of the Junon cannon sloughed off as they fought on, the General's katana sweeping through the metal effortlessly. Genesis parried the first few blows, grunting, indignant, before being pushed away as Sephiroth's strength trumped his own. Pained yet erotic groans, moans and pants (A/N:etErnal: WHAT? How did THIS get here?! / EI: YOU said to put it!/etErnal: do you not comprehend the existence of a JOKE? / EI: No... / etErnal: I GIVE UP) [EDIT: Pained grunts] (EI: Makes him sound like a freaking pig!) managed to escape past his lips as he tumbled further from his opponent.

He flawlessly managed to flip onto his feet in a second, a small smirk on his lips as he stared down the seemingly infallible General. He would prove to everyone that he was not inferior. That HE was the hero, not his silver haired friend.

His fingers danced across his sword as runes appeared on the blade, red and glowing with the same defiance that he held. He would defeat his long-term rival and friend today. He looked up at Sephiroth bearing down upon him, his sword aloft, an amused smile playing on his lips. Typical Sephiroth.

A man screaming nonsense words and hugging Sephiroth's face for dear life. Typical Sephiroth...?

Sephiroth then plummeted straight down, hitting the ground unceremoniously.

The Silver General held the offensive object, or person, by the ankle. The man being man-handled squawked , his limbs flailing. Genesis took a step closer before someone else fell on top of the General, an avalanche of ice deciding to plop itself down on the pile of tangled limbs. The red-head was about to laugh when it was all squashed down as something large and heavy landed on him. He found out that day that Angeal's blush could rival a tomato when choice expletives were spewed. And it just so happened that a giant hammer adding itself onto the weight above him was enough to give Genesis Expletive Diarrhoea.

Angeal's face was gaining a shade of red with each second that Genesis was trapped and so moved to help unearth his foul-mouthed friend. He froze in shock as a katana impaled itself right in front of his crotch, the blade facing inwards. He thanked Genesis' LOVELESS Goddess that none of his family jewels were sliced off that day. Especially when a mysteriously pretty lady fell on top of the snow pile, her legs crossed and her face set in a scowl.

"Angeal!" Genesis hissed. "Help me up!" His friend gulped, stared sat the sword, and moved to the Red Commander's side. The dark-haired lady hopped up and snatched the blade, before swerving around to press the sharp blade to his throat.

"Who are you?! Where are we?!" she hissed in a deep voice. Wait... Angeal, blushing, took this chance to glance briefly at the 'girl's' chest. Yep. Definitely a guy. Or an Amazon.

"We should be asking YOU woman," Genesis snapped, getting up now that the giant claw and hammer had been removed, dusting his coat off dramatically and with as much dignity as he could muster after being squished into delicatessen meat by an oversized limb and a repair tool.

"Woman...?" the man hissed, steely eyes flashing with barely-suppressed rage. "I'm a man, baka!"

"Sorry," Genesis sniffed, not sounding at all contrite. "It's your ridiculous hair."

"Ha ha... Yu-chan! Told you you should cut it!" the red head piled atop Sephiroth grinned. The fiery aura of rage emanaying from the dark-haired man could almost be seen.

"Urusai, Baka Usagi!" the katana was removed from Angeal's neck and slashed the air next to the red-head's ear, slicing away several red strands in the process. The teen squeaked, mysteriously untangled himself from the pile up in record time and dashed off, the katana and its wielder following swiftly.

"Mugen, hatsudo! Kaichuu Ichigen!" a grey mass of weird worm-like armoured creatures sprang from the cut the man had made in the air, the blade itself humming with eerie blue flames. What was going on?

**A/N: Sorry it's so short. We'll update it if people read it but... If not... I really don't know... That's up to etErnal I guess... Please read and review. :)**

**etErnal: I give out llamas. Apparently people like llamas because I got reviews. (STOP TYPING ON MY BEHALF, EI! SHEESH)**

**EI: Fine... Then I shall give out... rainbows? (I'm bored. What else do you expect me to do. I can go stare at pencils...)**


	2. Chapter 2

Crack fic instalment 2! Pink floating elephants

A/N: etErnal: Why do I always start? Fine.

* * *

Allen yelped and leapt up to chase after Kanda and Lavi, hurriedly disentangling himself from the silver-haired man he had landed on. "Kanda! Calm down! Lavi! Stop it, you guys!" He gave up chasing after them as he lagged behind, turning to Angeal, the closest one to him and also the only one who didn't look like he wanted to kill him, and panted out an apology. Then he blinked, looked around, and asked, "By the way...who are you and where are we?"

"I asked that already, moyashi!" Kanda, satisfied at having flung Lavi head-first into the wall, snapped at Allen.

"It's ALLEN Ba-kanda! Not moyashi! A-L-L-E-N ALLEN!"

"What did you call me, moyashi?!"

"I told you to call me Allen, Bakanda!"

And with that, they clashed in a fury of katana and claws, locked in a headlock, hurling stinging insults at the other.

Sephiroth took one look at them and casually pried them apart. "Genesis, help me call the psychological health department," he shot over his shoulder.

"Whuh? Do we even have such a department?" Genesis stared, slack-jawed.

"WE'RE NOT CRAZY!" The two with questionable sanity snarled in unison before turning to each other, brows furrowing even more fiercely. "STOP COPYING ME!" They lashed out wildly at each other with their weapons.

"Chillax," the red-head pried himself from the wall, sneezing splintering and dusty shards of wall plaster and sauntered over casually, "This happens all the time."  
Genesis looked at him, eyes narrowing in slight recognition. "You don't happen to have a brother, do you?"

Somewhere in the building, Reno sneezed.

"Brother? Yeah! But he fell down a rabbit hole, never to be seen again. How'd you know?" Lavi stared at Genesis, astonished at his fellow red-head's possible mind-reading abilities.

Reno sneezed again.

"I'm psychic," Genesis replied seriously, the devious glint in his eyes the only give-away of his lie.

"OHHH!" Lavi exclaimed raptly, as if this explained everything that existed. "So, where's my bro? You've seen him?"

Reno sneezed again. "What the hell, yo?" He muttered.  
"I think you've caught a cold," Rude proclaimed. That day, Reno rejoiced because in the entire time they'd been partners, this was the most Rude had ever spoken. Exactly six words. SIX!

Lavi nodded sagely, mystified by this man standing before him. "Does that mean you can tell me where my missing socks are?!" Lavi asked suddenly, a sparkle in his eyes.

"Uh... How many have you lost... exactly...?" Genesis asked.

"Uh... six hundred and forty nine exactly!" Lavi replied with zeal.

"You should join the Turks..." Genesis muttered.

And at the exact moment, every single Turk sneezed. Even Vincent, who was having a sneezing fit in his coffin(because of the dust). And then he promptly died.(lack of oxygen) Again.

Angeal blinked at this display of...weirdness, glancing from the bickering teens in Sephiroth's grasp to the conversing red-heads. Teens and Sephiroth. Red-heads. Teens and Sephiroth. Red-heads. Teens and Sephiroth. Red-heads. Teens and- well, you get the idea. In the end though, Angeal got dizzy and bored and sat down, closing his eyes.

All of a sudden, Zack burst in, carrying Cloud in his arms with a panicked look on his face. "Angeal! Help! Help! The Turks have all gotten a cold! They're all gonna die! What're we gonna do?! Oh, and your kitchen kinda exploded after I tried boiling some air. Sorry about that," Zack screamed hysterically.

Angeal huffed in exasperation and flopped over, muttering about the world ending and raining people.

Zack started to panic even more until Cloud slapped him in the face and told him to calm down.

Cloud then took one look at Sephiroth, shrieked, died and went to Sephiroth-worshipping heaven.

"Why is that cadet in your arms, Zack?" Genesis sighed, breaking off his conversation with Lavi.

"Huh? Ohmigosh! Spiky! Hang in there! We'll get through this together," Zack started nuzzling Cloud's 'corpse'.

"He has doll issues," Angeal muttered into the floor.

Sephiroth looked vaguely panicked. "They never taught me how to perform CPR when they sent us off into Wutai war," he muttered, poking at the limp cadet hesitantly.

Cloud, who was starting to resurrect, heard this statement and died a second time that day.

Sephiroth shrugged and shoved a plunger on Cloud's mouth, before proceeding to pump it up and down and beat on Cloud's chest like a gorilla.

Angeal slammed his face into the wall in despair.

Kanda looked at the dead blond and shoved the silver-haired man away with a stick of air freshener. Apparently the silver haired man disagreed with the smell 'Chocobo Pickled in Mako'. Kanda didn't get it either.

Kanda pulled the plunger from the blond's mouth and hacked it into tiny pieces. He then sprinkled it over the cadet, muttering nonsense words that sounded like, "Please let this stupid moyashi be dead... Hmm... Mac and cheese... Bunny rabbits... Cinderella... Stupid blond guy..."

That day, Genesis fell in love. A gay kind of love, but Genesis didn't care, because this dark-haired samurai with his penchant for hacking up toilet cleaning apparatus, was the love of his life.

And he knew what this 'love' was, because apparently, this was how the books described it- wildly beating heart, dizzy-headed sensations, visions of long-lasting true love….and oh- of course, the red thread! He couldn't forget that! Genesis traced the snaking red cord with his eyes, double-knotting his end to his pinkie, just in case. "I'm in love," he dreamily proclaimed at Angeal, who was still prostrate on the ground, unwilling to get up to see the destruction and insanity around him.

"Congrats," his muscular friend mumbled into the ground, voice muffled by the dirty tiles, "now you can get married to LOVELESS for the second time."

"Not LOVELESS, no." Genesis dramatically announced. "For I find myself passionately connected to that wonderful fiery-eyed, sharp-tongued harbinger of toiletry death."

"You have my blessings," Angeal sighed once more into the ground.

Kanda had riffled through Zack's pockets and had confiscated the 5-litre canister of deodorant and was now hacking it into pieces, releasing its contents on the floor, the strong nausea-inducing scent puddling and seeping into the dusty floor, further staining it. "Pecan pie…tinker bell…sparkling fire hydrants…..may the moyashis die…"

Genesis found his heart beating wildly, even more so then before, as he gazed starry-eyed upon his new-found lover.

Kanda looked up at that moment, frowning at his pinkie. "What the fuck is this?" His gaze travelled the length of the thread, to Genesis'. "Why the fuck am I tied to him?" This proved to be too much for the love-stricken SOLDIER and he swooned.

Kanda soon found himself staggering under the dead weight of a mako-enhanced SOLDIER burdened with lean muscles and a heavy rapier. It was no surprise that he went stumbling backwards, tripping over the sighing body still laying on the floor.

Angeal sighed again and reminded himself that this was what happened when one flopped onto the floor to escape from having to gaze upon horrifying chaos. He constructed a sticky note, with his faced smushed to the floor and torso used as a sprawling-ground for samurais and fainting Commanders, and pasted it somewhere into his hair.

Cloud eventually woke up, the wet splattering of oddly glowing saliva on his cheek having roused him, to see Sephiroth standing a foot away, solemnly spitting on him, and Zack using him as a crutch.

"Oh good, Cadet." Sephiroth nodded, pleased. "For waking up you are promoted to SOLDIER Third Class. Now I shall have to give you the kiss of life." He leaned forward and emotionlessly pressed his lips to the hyperventilating cadet's.

Advent Children Cloud twitched slightly as the last traces of the life stream left him, visions of a dead Aerith's and dead Zack's hands briefly on his forehead when he had temporarily 'died' after Yazoo and Loz had shot him. He sighed and frowned when he felt something on his lips and opened his eyes to see cat-slitted green. "Sephiroth?" He stared, shocked and incredulous, and realised he was kissing his supposedly-dead nemesis.

Then AC Cloud promptly fainted.

Sephiroth stared, shrugged, flung the manual for CPR over his shoulder, and mysteriously produced a vacuum cleaner and stuck the nozzle into AC Cloud's mouth before he switched the settings on to 'high'.

Zack waved colourful flags around as he cheered the General on as the silver-haired man leapt onto the suddenly 25 years-old cadet and started hopping atop his chest in time to the beat of caramel dansen which Lavi was shouting the lyrics of.

Allen, unsure of what to do, took one look at the pending chaos around him, and chose to copy Angeal by plopping face-first into the hard floor, breaking his nose and squishing in his forehead. Zack tripped over him and Allen said goodbye to three of his ribs.

He politely accepted the sticky note Angeal tossed him and stuck it in his white locks for future references.

* * *

A/N: etErnal: I can't stop laughing and **I** wrote this. Together with EI. Guess which one of us wrote which part in your reviews. Leave a review or get skewered by masamune and mugen. It's your choice.

EI:-has nothing to say-


	3. Chapter 3

Hey! For those who actually read this weird fic, which I'm guessing there aren't much si`nce I'm a terrible writer, this fic shall be transferred into the capable hands of my good friend, etErnal.

etErnal: =_= you mean you got bored. and I'm continuing since it was my idea in the first place anyway

EI: Ehehe... Sorry... But, yeah... Kinda true... I'll contionue to be your co-writer, but I'm not gonna have thast major a role in everything. Oh yeah! And we roasted marshmallows together! Yay!

etErnal: MARSHMALLOWS...

HAPPY LAST DAY OF 2012


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